Before bed last night, as I was leaving after tucking Gabriel in, he said, “wait wait wait, I need to talk to you about baby Alex!!!”. I laid down next to him for a while and answered his questions.
“How did it happen?”
“I don’t know, but it did and we just need to love her while she’s here.”
“Why is her heart swooshing the wrong way?” (thining to myself, WOW, that boy has ears… glad we’re treading lightly as we talk to other people near him)
“Well, I don’t know why her heart started swooshing the wrong way, but that won’t happen to you, me, momma, or your brothers.”
“You were crying about baby Alex.”
“Yes, I cry because I am going to miss her, and I am very sad that she is going to die.”
“I am very sad too.”
“I know, and that’s ok, it’s ok to be sad.’
—–
Alexandria was up a few times during the night. We gave her morphine a few times to calm her down, keep her comfortable. for a good part of the night her heart stayed in the mid-90 bpms (130 is normal). She’s hovering around 100, 102 right now, but her color is a little better then it was last night…. still very weak. Her cough, when she has the energy to cough, sounds horrible. My cold feels like it’s moving into my lungs, I’m about a day behind her so I wonder if that’s what she’s feeling. She’s sleeping peacefully on my chest at the moment. I fell asleep in the chair with her after Aden got on the bus and awoke to see Gabriel laying on the couch with his monkey stuff animal in much the same position that Alexandria was on my chest. He told me, “This is my baby, she’s very fragile. She’s got some hurts, but they healing. She’s not gonna die, baby Alex is going to die but not my baby.” He’s walking around with Monkey this morning, explaining how fragile he is, where his ouchies are. He began to tell us how his baby had already died, but got better. Kim and I had a conversation with him explaining that you only die once and that it’s permanent. It’s a conversation we’ve had before with him, but he needs gentle reminders to help him grasp the concept. We’re being very careful with him, very delecate.
Oh Doug (and Kim) – my heart is breaking for the two of you. I am praying constantly for you both, for Alex, for Gabe, for Aden and Ethan. May the Holy Spirit continue to give you the right words to share with Gabe during this unbelievably painful situation. Lifting you up …
Doug and Kim and family. May God give you strength for whatever comes. Never give up, we certainly will not. We pray that Alex has yet another miracle in store for her that will surprise us all. We really admire your strength and pray that we could be half as strong under the same circumstances.