Feb 022012
 

(This is a long note, a lot happened today, sorry for the rambling)

Ellery, Alexandria, and Joy

Ellery, Alexandria, and Joy

Alexandria had a very hard day for most of today.  She continues to be very congested and her cough sounds very rough and deep.  We had some people ask if they could come over and Kim and I decided that it would be ok.  I’m unable to verbalize that they came to say goodbye.  None of them said they came to say goodbye.  A few friends are going on vacation and behind the scenes, knowing what we all know, we know it was probably goodbye…. but never spoken.

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but we have the greatest neighborhood friends, some of them came over tonight as well.  All of them offered to take the kids if we need some time, which considering the amount of damage our three boys can inflict, is very kind.

Amber and Alexandria d48

Amber and Alexandria

Amber, Joy, & Ellery came by in the early afternoon.  Gabriel was thrilled to see Ellery. They are very close in age.  When they were leaving they offered to take Gabriel for a bit.

Side Story, Gabriel the Rock Hound:

After getting his jacket on he realized that he had all of the rocks he’d been collecting for Ellery in his jacket pockets and began giving handfuls of rocks to all three of them.  You see, last summer we went on a bike ride with Amber and Ellery down the street and back and Ellery found a few rocks she liked.  She put them in her bike, and when Gabriel inquired Amber told him she liked rocks.  Since then he’s been coming home from school with pockets full of rocks…  I come home from work and find small piles of rocks, they were on the deck for a while, laundry, you name it.  Today he finally got to deliver some of them. 🙂

Pastor, Alexandria, and Kimberly d48

Pastor, Alexandria, and Kimberly

My foster parents came by to visit this afternoon as well.  They are in town because my foster sister, who had a kidney transplant a few years ago, is in rejection and in the local hospital here.  If you’re reading this, she, Bonnie Bash, could use your prayers.

After everyone left, Alexandria began to go downhill for a while. Her heart dropped to around 80 bpm, at one point dropping below 70 for a moment or two.  Her respiration dropped as well, into the 20s.  She stabalized to her recent “norms” after about an hour.

I had started to write Alexandria’s obituary before she was born.  I didn’t want to write it in a state of extreme grief, I wanted to write a good portion of it while I was calm.  I opened it today for the first time since she was born.  I read a few things to Kimberly, asked her about wording on some things….    I haven’t cried uncontrollably since we brought her home…  I think because for the most part I didn’t believe she was leaving.  As I read the words I’d written, I think everything began to sink in.  The permanency of her death that we were trying to help Gabriel to grasp, began to take a hold of me.   I started to lose it.  A few moments later Pastor called and asked if now was a good time for him to stop by, that he was about 5 minutes away.  The good Lord has timing.  Pastor arrived, talked with us, prayed with us, comforted us.  He offered us the chance to offer up any prayers we had, but I knew I wouldn’t verbalize them… at least not loud enough for him or Kimberly to hear.  I didn’t want to look like a fool…  but all I kept saying to myself was, “heal her Lord, heal her, save her.”  Begging.  I couldn’t hold it together for most of the afternoon, even fell apart a bit in front of a friend from work… not good.

Around 6:30 our friends Todd and Senait came by to see her, it was good to see them, because of sickness it had been a while. 🙁  No fun when everyone’s kids are coming down with the one thing or another.

Todd and Alexandria d48

Todd and Alexandria

My Uncle Bill, cousin Mary, and family are on their way here from Virginia.  It will be very good to see them all.

Alexandria’s heart has begun to drop again, hovering between 80-90 tonight, getting as low as 67bpm.  While Pastor was here he asked me what I was thinking.  I know we’re blessed with the time we have, but it’s not enough time.  I need more.

 

 Posted by on February 2, 2012 at 11:21 pm

  3 Responses to “48 Days Old (9pm)”

  1. These are times that are bitter-sweet. As you work on the obit, concentrate on the times that are good, and try to mentally diminish the difficult times. As you mentioned above, part of the joy of this is all the friends who stop by to share, and the new friends you found at church. It will be many years before the sorrow and the pain go away, but the good times will be with you forever.

    Dad

  2. I sit here and just cannot fathom the pain of heartbreak that you are experiencing. We pray diligently for the Master to heal and we tend to ask ourselves “Why, Lord – Why?” We don’t have the answers and we find it difficult to come up with the answers. We have been praying, diligently, for the Lord to heal this precious angel but His glory will be done either on earth or in heaven. God has plans for this precious angel but those plans may be for this sweet princess to be with her Creator where she can be a glorious guardian angel to the whole entire family as well as friends that know and love her so. He gave you and the family an opportunity to know who Alex is and really see His miraculous creation and blessing; He has given you the ability to feel the love of so many people that are able to pray and to share in the joy and sorrow of life; and there are so many other blessings that He has been able to give you that could take pages upon pages to list. However, the comfort that we have is that when her time comes – she may be cradled in your arms of love when she takes her last breath but then she will transition in the loving arms of Jesus Christ where He will carry her home to glory. We will continue to follow your posting and we will definitely be praying for healing, comfort, strength, etc. Sending hugs, blessings, and much love

  3. Doug and Kim, I really don’t know what to say……. on what Emily has told me and kept me informed on the whole journey. My deepest thoughts and prayers go out to you guys. Though our introduction was very brief at our wedding, you guys are still family. I just wished we lived a little closer and had the means to be able to come and be with you guys. Being a father of 4 great kids…. I could only imagine the times that you all are going through. From one father to another…. stay strong brother. It is ok for a grown man to cry and express his feelings. Much love to you and your family.

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