Alexandria and Me back when she was 4 days old
It’s 4am and I am in such horrible pain. Overwhelming waves of grief, sadness… It’s difficult to think, like a massive thunderstorm and the sound of the rain is utterly deafening.
I want her back.
I want to hold her.
I would give anything to feed her again. To be up just calming her down, holding her hand, playing with her toes. She loved sleeping right under my chin… I’d shave a lot so it’d be smooth and comfortable for her. I’d lay on the couch all night and listen to her breathe. Rub her back when she’d stop. Tell her about her mother and I. Tell her how glad I was that she decided to stay. How wonderful her blessing was… how much I cherished being with her… Being tired didn’t bother me. People didn’t think we could keep it up but I didn’t give a damn. I loved her and love her and would do anything, ANYTHING for her. We never put her down. It was so hard to put her in that casket. It was so hard to actually put her down, to let her go. I can’t let her go. I still can’t let go.
Two weeks and change… and it’s unbearable tonight. I was doing so well. I hadn’t cried hard in a few days. I was able to work. I can barely breathe now.
I want her back. She’s not coming back.
Please Lord, let me know she’s ok. Help me through this.
Doug,
I wanted to share with you that your words bring me comfort even though it has been five years since we lost Isaac. I never did write down my pain. I never shared this soon into our grief. We had very few people in our life that we could share with and that understood our loss. Every word, every emotion is very real to the way I felt and did feel for a quite some time after he was gone. I will not use this space to tell you how you should feel or when it will get better, that is for you to discover. I will say that for myself it did get better as time went on. I have allowed myself to miss him. I have allowed myself to remember, even when it hurts to. You and Kim have my ear if you ever need it now or down the road.
Thank you. I’m better today. I was better yesterday. As another friend told me it naturally comes in waves…. I’m usually one to hide during times like this, but for whatever reason I feel like documenting this path is what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to let this out, I’m supposed to let people see what I experience. I’m hopeful that it’ll help someone at some point. Maybe even myself.