I’m a sentimental man. I tend to observe anniversaries. I remember important milestones, probably more then I should. For a long time the day of my mother’s death was a hard one. There are a few more, along those lines, that are what I would call “not great days.” I focus on the past a lot, I know more then I should. I pray often that God will free me of the ties of the past, give me the strength to remember with love.
The date of Alexandria’s death, I thought would be one of those days…. but I’ll get to that in a moment.
Kim and I have spoken about a couple we know, Aleisa and William, who have a young daughter Nora with Edwards Syndrome. God has blessed them with an abundant faith. Aleisa has seen three birds, on more then one occasion. Usually this occurs when she’s looking to God for a sign, an acknowledgement, and seeing them gives her comfort, lets her know he’s watching over her and her family. She feels it is a consistent sign from Him. There are people who would discount things like this, some are in awe of it. I believe God speaks to us in ways we sometimes don’t recognize and often tailors his messages and signs personally to each individual, in a manner they can interpret.
I wasn’t looking for any signs. I was reading a post a week or so ago on Aleisa’s blog and she mentioned seeing three birds again, in her doctor’s office. For just the smallest moment I thought, wow, I could really use that right now. I could use a sign. But I didn’t ask for one, and in the back of my mind I got the feeling that if given one I wouldn’t like the message anyway. God’s news isn’t always fun to hear. A few days later a friend of ours posted that she was pregnant. As I’m reading through the comments from friends and relatives about the good news someone asked her what her due date was. February 4th. It hit me like a brick. The day Alexandria left. The one-year anniversary to boot. I immediately wondered what the meaning behind that could be. Was it just a coincidence? If not, I was just… well I was hurt. Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely happy for my friends and that they have another child on the way. But this day was mine. Selfish, right? No one should be happy about “that” day. It was a dark thought, and unworthy one. After considering it, and praying about it, I began to think… maybe this is supposed to tell me that February 4th isn’t to be marked like that. She went to be with Jesus, she went home. This was, in many respects, a good thing. I should celebrate her life, not focus on her passing. It was a good message, a good thought. Being as human as I am, I pushed it out of my mind. I didn’t want to hear it. I mean, seriously? What were the chances that a friend of ours would have a due date on the day of Alexandria’s passing… that wasn’t a sign. I didn’t want it to be a sign. Nice thought that came to my mind afterwards, but not a sign. I would ignore it.
This past Sunday another friend announced that his wife was also pregnant. Last night, on their post, someone asked her due date.
Ok… ok. I get the message. This day will be one that good things happen on, it’s going to be “ok.” It may be rough, but new miracles will abound. Remember her, let go of the pain, celebrate her life not her death. Trust God.
“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14