Note: Edited this a bit Sunday @ 7:18pm, wrote it quickly earlier before church today… made some corrections and clarifications. God bless…
It’s been a mixed bag week for me, but a fantastic ending.
A year ago we had my parents over for Easter, coloring eggs with them and the boys. Kim and I chose that moment to tell them that we were pregnant. She wrote on some eggs in white crayon so that when grandma and grandpa pulled the eggs out of the dye they said the following:
Baby Dec 2011
Everyone was excited… we had no idea what was to come. We invited all our neighbors over for an Easter Egg hunt and we told them as well, another kid coming to the neighborhood.
Fast forward one year.
On Thursday during service (Maundy Thursday) I started to dwell on the fact that Alexandria wasn’t with us. She wouldn’t get an Easter basket, run around and find eggs, meet the Easter bunny, have an Easter dress… you name it, I thought of it. And I lost hold of it, feeling tears stream down my face. Thankfully the church was darkened. I bolted with Aden out of the back of the church at the end of service as fast as I could to find a place to get a hold of myself. I felt like a fool, embarrassed because of my grief, and that I’d allowed it to overflow where we were.
I was fearful that’s how the rest of the weekend would be, but it was not. During the Good Friday service there were four “wash” stations setup throughout the church. As part of the churches series on learning about Christ through all of our senses we were offered the opportunity of “touch”, to wash each other’s feet as Jesus had washed those of his disciples (John 13:1-7). Now, I’m not one for having other people touch my feet. I even leaned into Kimberly and said, “I don’t think I’m doing this.” As almost on queue Aden stood up, grabbed my hand, and started pulling me over to the area of the back of the church were one of the chairs and bowls of water were. He dropped to the floor and started ripping his shoes and socks off, looked up at me and pointed to me, then to my feet. He may not understand many things, but somehow he knew what had to be done here. He wanted my shoes and socks off and he wanted them off NOW! As I took off my shoes and socks, Kimberly, smiling touched my arm and leaned in and quoted a previous sermon, “..unless you have the faith of a child…”. It was in reference to Matthew 18:3 “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
I got the message: Stop. Let go. Take this experience in.
Aden allowed another church member to wash his feet, which stunned me. Here’s a boy who doesn’t like to be touched by anyone allowing someone he doesn’t know well to touch his feet. I then sat down and he washed and dried my feet. I in turn washed Kimberly’s.
I felt better. I felt burdens lifting.
The following morning, laying in bed, I grabbed a booklet that Pastor had given me the day Alexandria died. It’s called “A promise of life”… it was sitting on our bedside table. I had not yet opened it, probably as a part of my resistance to confront my grief, even my anger at God. I read through it and it was very good. A few pages really stood out, including part of one about accepting God’s answer:
“God’s wisdom, His grasp of your situation, is unquestionable. His love is not dependent on the size of your faith or the fervency of your prayers. His love is. It always will be. Open your heart to the healing God chooses — peace in place of bitterness, calm in place of fear, hope in the face of death. Open your faith.”
An accompanying verse:
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [this burden] away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I’ve had some sad moments this weekend, but I feel God’s presence again. I feel very blessed to have the church and family I have. Thank you Lord.