May 272012

Acts 2:25  David said about him: “‘I saw the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

Lately I do not know what to say, or post.  I’ve started a few posts, but have no interest or will to finish them, mostly because the nature of them is dark.  Kim and I have seen a grief counselor a few times, but I just can not continue to go there.  I feel when I am there, and I can not keep things together.  My guard slips and the impact lasts for days.  I can’t operate like that.  I just need time.  I need to come to grips with this on my own terms.

Kim and the boys went to Midland this weekend so I could work on our garden in the back.  I have a few retaining walls that need to be built, it’s slow going, but I enjoy the work for the most part.  The house is too empty though.  It’s too quiet.

At Pentecost everyone was bewildered and amazed at what happened, and as Pastor Nick said this morning often times we ourselves are bewildered at God’s plan.  We want to understand and learn more.  Like him, I’m the type that needs as much information as possible, I like to know all aspects of something.  I know she touched and continues to touch people’s lives.  I have tried to help other families who are just starting their journeys with Edwards Syndrome, to help others with what we learned.    … But even so…  my bewilderment remains.  I feel I will not understand this, until I see her again.

 Posted by on May 27, 2012 at 8:08 pm
May 182012

I had to come up with a devotion for the women’s bible study I attend on Fridays. The thought terrified me especially because I come late to bible study and miss the devotion almost every week so many times I don’t know what was said or how it’s done. I was reviewing what the past week’s homework talked about (we are doing a Beth Moore study called The Psalms of Ascent) trying to come up with something fitting. Admittedly, writing is not one of my favorite things. But much like my blog posts  there is something that starts to take shape until I feel like my insides are bursting and the words need to come out. So here’s the text of my devotion. I could not read it without crying. These women have been my help when I thought I could no longer walk the road. I truly could not have made it through the last 8 months without them all.


I have really enjoyed this bible study of the Psalms of Ascent. It was a good picture for me to think of life as a pilgrimage, trying to stick to the path on our way to Jesus. To think of life as a journey that will be over all too soon so make the most of it. I kept thinking of people back then traveling to the feasts. I pictured them walking along a dirt road. They did not travel alone, that would make them vulnerable. I could imagine someone strapped down with everything they’d need on the trip, walking down the road, side by side with family, friends, and strangers. I could picture that person suddenly  tripping, stumbling along the path and others rushing over to hold him up lest he fall and his belongings crash down around him. Once everyone was steady, they’d continue on their pilgrimage, the destination always in mind.

Carry each other

 Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

 This study has given me a sense of clarity on what the purpose of life is. We are going through this earthly life and we will reach our destination at the end. But what are you doing on your journey between now and then? We are all on the road, carrying our belongings, making our pilgrimage. Sometimes the weight of our load is too much for us to bear. Sometimes we take a wrong turn. When the road gets hard are you going to give up? When you get lost will you find your way back? What are you going to do when you stumble and fall? And when it’s your neighbor, are you going to help them or sit idly by and watch them fall?

 Part of the US Soldier’s creed reads:
                “I will always place the mission first.
                I will never accept defeat.
                I will never quit.
                I will never leave a fallen comrade.”

Our family tried to go it alone for 10 years. I can tell you that is a very lonely road travelling by yourself, no one to help you. With no one to keep you focused on the destination, you get bogged down in the things that don’t matter. Quoting a website I found called the Journey: “You cannot do community alone. The Christian life is to be lived together. We need each other. There is no such thing as a Christian flying solo.” And another website called Hip Hop Devotions: “If you’re not a member of a church, then find one, especially one where there are people you can fellowship with; it’ll be one of the best moves you can make. Next to that, find other believers that you can build and fellowship with; you should be able to have them push you, and you should also be pushing them towards holiness. God wants us to grow together as a single body, but that is impossible if we continue to live and walk as if we’re in this all alone.”

I think that is true even of some people who go to church – they continue to live and walk as if they’re in this all alone. We need to lean on each other, encourage each other, place the mission first, never accept defeat, never quit and never leave a fallen comrade. I like to think of church like an AA meeting, except we’re there because we all sin. If we would just stand up, say our names and admit we’re not perfect, others can rush to our aid, pick us back up, and set us back on the right path. The more we go to the meetings, the less likely we are to fall off the wagon.

Hebrews 10:24-25
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Dear God, thank you for St. Matthew’s Church, for the community here and specifically this women’s bible study. Stand with us as we stand shoulder to shoulder, allowing no opposition to come between us. May we care enough to be involved in the lives of others, helping each other back on our feet as we continue our pilgrimage.   Amen.

 Posted by on May 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm
May 152012

A few weeks ago I began to consider what to do for Mother’s Day for Kimberly.  I know many families go out to eat on Mother’s Day, but the thought of being surrounded by many other mothers with daughters did not seem like a good idea.  What to do…  Last year I bought Kimberly a peanut butter cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory for one of her birthday gifts.  She loved it, but when I went looking the cost to ship them was now astronomical (probably because of the holiday).  The cheesecake would have cost upwards of $70.  I didn’t want to break the bank, but she loved that cheesecake…  So I researched and found a recipe for the exact cheesecake she loved.  Bet I could make it for less then $70…  It took 4 days to build, 8 layers of peanutbuttery chocolate cheesecake goodness.  I made cards with the boys, carefully helping Aden spell out Happy Mother’s Day.  He worked so hard on it.  Gabriel created a few pictures and stamped a bunch of hearts.  During dinner he looked at Kim and said, “Don’t look in the cabinet, we made you cards and hid them there.”   🙂

On Friday, our friend Joy from across the street came by as the boys and I were playing out in the front yard…  “What are you doing for mothers day?”  Not much.  I told her about the cheesecake, but that’d probably stay home.  She hits me with this idea of getting some neighbors together for a mother’s day BBQ.  “Sure, why not, sounds good.”  We’ve done that before, and having all the kids run around playing together is always fun.  Before we knew it just about everyone was going to come, almost 40 people, with food, wine, quite a party…  We setup a ton of tables in my driveway and I grilled hot dogs and hamburgers, everyone brought a dish…  What an incredible time.  We could have been stuck inside, focusing on what was missing, on Alexandria not being here… but instead were given a wonderful day of food, of thanks, with friends.  It was a perfect, warm, sunny day.  I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to have as my neighborhood, God has really blessed us with a fantastic place to raise the kids.



 Posted by on May 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm