(This is a long note, a lot happened today, sorry for the rambling)
Ellery, Alexandria, and Joy
Alexandria had a very hard day for most of today. She continues to be very congested and her cough sounds very rough and deep. We had some people ask if they could come over and Kim and I decided that it would be ok. I’m unable to verbalize that they came to say goodbye. None of them said they came to say goodbye. A few friends are going on vacation and behind the scenes, knowing what we all know, we know it was probably goodbye…. but never spoken.
I’m sure I’ve said this before, but we have the greatest neighborhood friends, some of them came over tonight as well. All of them offered to take the kids if we need some time, which considering the amount of damage our three boys can inflict, is very kind.
Amber and Alexandria
Amber, Joy, & Ellery came by in the early afternoon. Gabriel was thrilled to see Ellery. They are very close in age. When they were leaving they offered to take Gabriel for a bit.
Side Story, Gabriel the Rock Hound:
After getting his jacket on he realized that he had all of the rocks he’d been collecting for Ellery in his jacket pockets and began giving handfuls of rocks to all three of them. You see, last summer we went on a bike ride with Amber and Ellery down the street and back and Ellery found a few rocks she liked. She put them in her bike, and when Gabriel inquired Amber told him she liked rocks. Since then he’s been coming home from school with pockets full of rocks… I come home from work and find small piles of rocks, they were on the deck for a while, laundry, you name it. Today he finally got to deliver some of them.
Pastor, Alexandria, and Kimberly
My foster parents came by to visit this afternoon as well. They are in town because my foster sister, who had a kidney transplant a few years ago, is in rejection and in the local hospital here. If you’re reading this, she, Bonnie Bash, could use your prayers.
After everyone left, Alexandria began to go downhill for a while. Her heart dropped to around 80 bpm, at one point dropping below 70 for a moment or two. Her respiration dropped as well, into the 20s. She stabalized to her recent “norms” after about an hour.
I had started to write Alexandria’s obituary before she was born. I didn’t want to write it in a state of extreme grief, I wanted to write a good portion of it while I was calm. I opened it today for the first time since she was born. I read a few things to Kimberly, asked her about wording on some things…. I haven’t cried uncontrollably since we brought her home… I think because for the most part I didn’t believe she was leaving. As I read the words I’d written, I think everything began to sink in. The permanency of her death that we were trying to help Gabriel to grasp, began to take a hold of me. I started to lose it. A few moments later Pastor called and asked if now was a good time for him to stop by, that he was about 5 minutes away. The good Lord has timing. Pastor arrived, talked with us, prayed with us, comforted us. He offered us the chance to offer up any prayers we had, but I knew I wouldn’t verbalize them… at least not loud enough for him or Kimberly to hear. I didn’t want to look like a fool… but all I kept saying to myself was, “heal her Lord, heal her, save her.” Begging. I couldn’t hold it together for most of the afternoon, even fell apart a bit in front of a friend from work… not good.
Around 6:30 our friends Todd and Senait came by to see her, it was good to see them, because of sickness it had been a while. No fun when everyone’s kids are coming down with the one thing or another.
Todd and Alexandria
My Uncle Bill, cousin Mary, and family are on their way here from Virginia. It will be very good to see them all.
Alexandria’s heart has begun to drop again, hovering between 80-90 tonight, getting as low as 67bpm. While Pastor was here he asked me what I was thinking. I know we’re blessed with the time we have, but it’s not enough time. I need more.